A Woman Who Cuts Her Hair…

A couple days ago I posted some pictures on social media to show off my new haircut. The caption of one of the pictures had this quote by Coco Chanel: “A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life.” And from outward appearances the pictures showed me to be content and confident in my new look with short hair. But, today I’m here to tell you the truth. And the truth is I’ve actually been struggling to feel confident and beautiful ever since I got my hair cut.

So let’s start from the beginning. Why did I cut my hair? I cut my hair because I am making some big life changes right now and one of them involves moving overseas as a missionary for the next year. I cut my hair because I didn’t want the worry and stress of figuring out how to do it while also adjusting to a new place. I wanted something low maintenance. So I walked into the salon, sat down, and got my hair chopped off. IMG_4368.JPG

Now, I would love to say that I was immediately comfortable and confident in myself as soon as I walked out of the salon, but I was not. I figured I would struggle to get used to it, but I wasn’t prepared for the onslaught of insecurity and self doubt that plagued me in the days after the haircut. I’ve always been insecure, but this haircut took that to a whole new level.

Society puts a lot of emphasis on women to look a certain way and having long hair is seen as desirable. So with that in mind I was worried about so many things: Do people think I look like a boy? Does this haircut look good on me? Will guys be into me now that I have short hair? Did I make a mistake? But the question that kept plaguing my mind was: Am I still beautiful without my hair? Because honestly, I felt ugly and masculine every time I would glance at myself in the mirror. I didn’t recognize the person staring back at me.

This self-doubt and anxiety about my hair lasted for a little over a week, until yesterday. Yesterday I had a complete meltdown and shed many tears on account of my worries about looking like a boy with short hair. But thank God for big sisters because she picked me back up and put all my doubts and fears to rest.

From that point on I knew I had a choice to make. I knew my hair wasn’t going to grow back overnight so I had to decide whether I would learn to love myself with short hair or continue to live with doubts and fears.

I chose to learn to love myself. And that’s what I’m working on right now. I’m slowly getting used to seeing the new me in the mirror and I am speaking to myself positively. All the compliments I’ve received from people are useless if I don’t see myself in a good light.

As time goes by I am realizing that I really do like my new look; the girl who cut my hair did an amazing job! It’s all so new and definitely takes some adjusting to, but the initial regrets from before have subsided. I’m proud of myself for taking more risks in life because that means I’m growing.

So to any other women struggling with their short hair, I will say this: It’s ok to not be ok for a while, but eventually we all have to make a choice and move forward. I hope you choose to work on seeing yourself in a positive light. I’m not completely there yet, but I’m working on it and every day it gets easier. Plus, the way you carry yourself really impacts how people perceive you (it’s not all about how you look). So I am choosing to walk with confidence; I may not have a lot right now, but I’ll fake it till I make it.


Before Haircut


After Haircut

And I will continue to remind myself that with short hair I am still femininedesirable, and beautiful.


Let’s Be Real: Worry

There was a song I used to sing when I was growing up and it said “Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself”. I would sing that song all the time, but I suppose I never truly understood what I was singing, because here I am at 20 years old and I still worry about every little thing in life.

I will admit it, I am a worrier. I worry about small and big issues. I worry about vitally important and trivial matters. I worry about past, present, and future issues. I worry about almost everything. In fact I presume I am worried about something almost every day whether I realize it or not.

As I’ve been doing some soul searching about my struggle with worry, I pinpointed the main reasons behind why I worry so much. I worry because I am trying to do everything on my own and because I don’t trust God enough.

I try to do everything on my own, which means I leave no room for God to work in my life. Because of that I have brought so much unnecessary stress and worry into my life. I like feeling in control of my life and I am a very independent person so I have a hard time asking for help. Even though I have seen how incapable I am without God’s help, I still try to take control of everything in my life and I am constantly overwhelmed with trying to keep everything in my life afloat. It’s so funny how the more I try to push God away and take control of my life, the more out of control my life gets.

I also mentioned that I worry because I don’t trust God enough; though it’s not easy to admit, it’s the truth. Whenever I have something that is worrying me, I brood over it or even talk it over with a friend, and prayer is usually my last resort. Instead of trusting God to take care of my needs and problems, I let the worry eat away at my life. And even when I do pray about it, I have a hard time letting it go, I have a hard time surrendering the problems over to Him. I don’t trust Him enough to come through for me, even though past experience shows me that He always comes through.

After realizing the causes behind my excessive worrying, I realized that, like my other struggles, this comes down to my relationship with God. I try to do everything on my own because I don’t trust God enough and I don’t trust God enough because I don’t have a deep connection with Him. So, like my other struggles, I’ve realized that in order to fix my worrying problem I must first fix my relationship with God.

See, being close friends with someone usually means you trust them. So, if I don’t trust God enough then that means I don’t consider Him a close friend. How can I say I love God yet in the same breath admit I don’t trust Him?

True love cannot exist without trust, therefore if I truly love God then that should mean that I trust Him. And saying that I trust Him means that I trust Him with ALL my worries. All the small and big issues. All the vitally important and trivial matters. All the past, present, and future issue.

I can’t say I’m completely worry-free yet, but I’m working on it. Right now I have to keep reminding myself to leave everything in the hands of God. Though sometimes it feels like He isn’t listening, I know that He hears every prayer and He cares. When I pray I have to be willing to let go and let God work.

And when I do start to worry all I have to do is think of Proverbs 3:5-6 and I know everything will be ok:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

So, I’m working on this relationship with God. And as I grow deeper in my relationship with Him I know I will fall deeper in love with Him and I will learn to trust Him completely.