Who Am I?

Today someone asked me who I am; he wanted me to describe myself so he could get to know me better, but I didn’t know what to say.

Who am I? Who is Hannah? How do I explain who I am to someone else in just a couple minutes? How can I distill and compress 22 years of life into a mere sound bite? Where do I begin? What parts are important and what do I leave out?

Maybe it was a rhetorical question but it really got me thinking: should I have something prepared and tucked away in the back of my mind for when I need to describe who I am to others?

But even deeper than that, am I truly who I describe myself to be? Does my perception of myself match who I am in reality? Maybe I think I’m better than I truly am in reality or maybe I underestimate myself.

Bottom line is, you can’t take what I say purely at face value. You have to get to know me to find out who I am. I can’t fully tell you who I am because inevitably there will be gaps in my narrative.

I will skim over a lot of things and boil my life down to a few main points: I will tell you about my family, my major, my class standing, my heritage, my immediate future plans, and a few of my best qualities. I will tell you that I love to laugh and have fun, I love people, and I love the Lord. The basics.

But I won’t tell you my bad habits, my weak points, my doubts, fears, or insecurities. I won’t tell you my struggles because I know when you ask who I am you want to hear the basics, the good stuff.

But as much as I wish I was just the good stuff, I know I am not.

I am also a girl with a temper, a girl whose words can hurt people, a girl with many fears, a girl who procrastinates too much, and a girl who may be too attached to food.

I’m the good and the not-so-good. That’s who I am. But you don’t learn all that from asking me the offhanded question “who is Hannah?” You learn that by spending time with me and over time the answer to that question will be revealed in a way more adequate than words alone.

So, who is Hannah? I’m not sure if I can properly answer that question, but stick around long enough and I guarantee you’ll figure it out.

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She is, She isn’t

She isn’t the kind of girl who waits around for the guy.

She isn’t the kind of girl who changes her plans so she can be in the same place at the same time as her crush.

She isn’t the kind of girl who lets her feelings for a guy get in the way of her goals.

She isn’t the kind of girl who dumbs herself down so people don’t think she’s “too smart for her own good”.

She isn’t the kind of girl who pretends she can’t do anything for herself.

She isn’t the kind of girl who knows how to be cute and flirty.

She isn’t the kind of girl who has effortless poise and beauty.

She isn’t the kind of girl who turns heads on the sidewalk.

She just isn’t.

She’s the kind of girl who isn’t ashamed about her love for food. The girl who so enjoys the experience of eating and doesn’t mind that she often spills on herself.

She’s the kind of girl whose nails are never perfectly manicured because she is accustomed to doing hard work with her hands.

She’s the kind of girl who prefers tennis shoes over heels. The girl who surprises people when she puts on a dress or skirt on a regular day.

She’s the kind of girl with a loud voice and a boisterous laugh. Yes, sometimes she gets carried away, but that just means she enjoys life in the deepest way.

But,

She’s also the kind of girl who has big dreams and goals and she is running head first into her bright future.

She’s the kind of girl who embraces her intelligence but never uses it to make anyone else feel “less than”.

She’s the kind of girl who is fiercely independent but has also learned that sometimes it’s nice to be able to depend on a few good people in life.

She’s the kind of girl with a beautiful soul and a bright smile that draws people to her.

She’s the kind of girl who does everything she can to bring joy and laughter to people’s lives.

She’s the kind of girl who has worked hard to get where she is and knows she can do so much more.

She’s the kind of girl who has fought with self esteem and insecurity issues her whole life, but as she gets older she realizes more and more how amazing she is.

She’s the kind of girl who accepts all that she is and all that she isn’t and loves herself for it all.

She just is.

I Used To

I used to read books; I used to get lost in the pages as my imagination ran wild.

Now, I use my free time to catch up with TV shows.

I used to use a pen and paper to write pages of stories and poems.

Now, I use my computer to post well-crafted 140 character statuses.

I used to write songs; I used to make music with my instruments.

Now, I’m content just listening to music crafted by others.

I used to be good at communication; I used to text and call people just to say hi.

Now, I play texting games and wait for others to reach out first.

I used to be so driven.

Now, I find myself slipping into procrastination time and time again.

I used to…I used to…I used to.

So, what am I going to do now?

I can’t change the past, but I can surely alter my future.

I choose to close my laptop. I choose to pick up that book that is on my “100 books to read before I die” list

I choose to write again. I choose to finish the book I started writing months ago.

I choose to sing again, to play again, to make music again.

I choose to text or call the people I care about just to say hi, just to find out how they’re doing, and just to tell them I miss them. I choose to rebuild relationships that have been damaged due to lack of communication.

I choose to say no to procrastination. I choose to do what needs to be done right when it needs to be done.

I choose…I choose..I choose.

I choose to be a better me

Let’s Be Real: Worry

There was a song I used to sing when I was growing up and it said “Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself”. I would sing that song all the time, but I suppose I never truly understood what I was singing, because here I am at 20 years old and I still worry about every little thing in life.

I will admit it, I am a worrier. I worry about small and big issues. I worry about vitally important and trivial matters. I worry about past, present, and future issues. I worry about almost everything. In fact I presume I am worried about something almost every day whether I realize it or not.

As I’ve been doing some soul searching about my struggle with worry, I pinpointed the main reasons behind why I worry so much. I worry because I am trying to do everything on my own and because I don’t trust God enough.

I try to do everything on my own, which means I leave no room for God to work in my life. Because of that I have brought so much unnecessary stress and worry into my life. I like feeling in control of my life and I am a very independent person so I have a hard time asking for help. Even though I have seen how incapable I am without God’s help, I still try to take control of everything in my life and I am constantly overwhelmed with trying to keep everything in my life afloat. It’s so funny how the more I try to push God away and take control of my life, the more out of control my life gets.

I also mentioned that I worry because I don’t trust God enough; though it’s not easy to admit, it’s the truth. Whenever I have something that is worrying me, I brood over it or even talk it over with a friend, and prayer is usually my last resort. Instead of trusting God to take care of my needs and problems, I let the worry eat away at my life. And even when I do pray about it, I have a hard time letting it go, I have a hard time surrendering the problems over to Him. I don’t trust Him enough to come through for me, even though past experience shows me that He always comes through.

After realizing the causes behind my excessive worrying, I realized that, like my other struggles, this comes down to my relationship with God. I try to do everything on my own because I don’t trust God enough and I don’t trust God enough because I don’t have a deep connection with Him. So, like my other struggles, I’ve realized that in order to fix my worrying problem I must first fix my relationship with God.

See, being close friends with someone usually means you trust them. So, if I don’t trust God enough then that means I don’t consider Him a close friend. How can I say I love God yet in the same breath admit I don’t trust Him?

True love cannot exist without trust, therefore if I truly love God then that should mean that I trust Him. And saying that I trust Him means that I trust Him with ALL my worries. All the small and big issues. All the vitally important and trivial matters. All the past, present, and future issue.

I can’t say I’m completely worry-free yet, but I’m working on it. Right now I have to keep reminding myself to leave everything in the hands of God. Though sometimes it feels like He isn’t listening, I know that He hears every prayer and He cares. When I pray I have to be willing to let go and let God work.

And when I do start to worry all I have to do is think of Proverbs 3:5-6 and I know everything will be ok:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

So, I’m working on this relationship with God. And as I grow deeper in my relationship with Him I know I will fall deeper in love with Him and I will learn to trust Him completely.

Fun Facts Tag

I feel like I haven’t blogged in such a long time, and truthfully I haven’t. Lately I’ve been so busy trying to juggle school, work, and all my other responsibilties, so I’ve had to take a short break from blogging. It’s been hard, but also very necessary because I need to make sure my priorities are in proper order. That being said, I decided to take a break from studying to write a short post. Since I have been nominated by The Sunny C (she’s awesome, go check out her blog) to do a “10 fun facts about me” tag, I figured it was something I would be able to accomplish in a fairly short amount of time.

So, here goes!

  1. I am a Christian, born & raised SDA and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
  2. I spent the first few years of my life in Kenya
  3. I LOVE the color red, I always look for a way to get anything and everything in red
  4. I could eat rice and beans everyday and not get tired of it
  5. I’m a junior in college
  6. Since starting college I have never worn sweatpants to class, I wear them everywhere else, but never to class
  7. I play 3 instruments and I sing
  8. I always have gum with me. at all times. always.
  9. My favorite cake is carrot cake (without raisins)
  10. I absolutely LOVE reading, in fact I just stumbled upon an awesome sale today in the English Dept. on my campus–$5 for a box of books. So I filled that box up to the top & got over 20 awesome books for $5! 🙂

So there you have it, 10 facts about me. Obviously those 10 facts don’t fully explain who I am as a person, but at least they give you more of an idea of who this Hannah girl is.

Now I nominate: Being in 2000 Something I The Girl in Glasses I The Champa Tree

Thanks for taking the time to read about me, feel free to ask any questions if you want to know more about me.

And now I will retreat back to my desk to continue on with my studies.

Why I Choose To Blog

Why am I blogging?

A simple question, but yet the answer to this question is far from simple. There are many reasons why I choose to blog.

I’ve always been an intellectual person, in fact my parents tell me that I learned to read at an age earlier than most kids. And along with my passion for reading I developed a passion for writing as well. It just seemed to go hand in hand for me. I’ve written many stories, poems, and songs; my ultimate goal is to publish a novel. So, why did I choose blogging instead of just focusing my attention on writing a novel? I believe that blogging gives me the perfect avenue to perfect my craft of writing, because the more I write the better I get.

Everyone sees the world differently, and everyone perceives certain events differently based on their worldview. Therefore even though some of the things I blog about may be the same as what others have already written about, my take on the world is different so I have insight that has not been heard before. Blogging is such a powerful way for people to have their voice heard.

I didn’t start this blog to talk about a specific topic, as time goes by I may begin to tailor my posts specifically to a certain topic if I feel passionate about it; but for now I’m just writing about anything and everything as long as it piques my interest. I am by no means calling myself an expert in any area I write about, but I do believe that what I have to say matters, my voice matters.

I hope to continue blogging for as long as I’m alive; as long as what I’m saying has a positive impact in even one persons life then I’ve accomplished my purpose for having this blog.

I’m just trying to make a difference in my small corner of the world, that’s why I choose to blog.